Man, I hope you guys are ready for an angsty post.
99.9% of the time, I would say that I’m a pretty cheerful, upbeat person. But that .1% of the time, all hell breaks loose. Just ask my parents about ages 12 – 17, when the ratio was the other way around. J How they managed not to kill me, I SERIOUSLY don’t know. Thanks though, Mom and Dad!
I’ve been really down on this whole thing lately. I feel like I’m just not getting anywhere. I can’t seem to push myself down to the next level. Or, I feel like things are going really well and I’ve worked out and/or walked the dog every night, and I’m eating right, and I eat ALMOST NOTHING FOR EASTER DINNER, and the effing scale goes BACK UP. I feel like a duck treading water right now. You know, the old “on the surface everything thing looks calm, but under water, those legs are kicking a mile a minute” adage. I’m DESPERATE to lose the weight faster and impatient, and I know these are not good thoughts to have swimming around in my head. The desperation just makes me frantic and the impatience makes me careless. I feel like I have to put on this positive face of it though, or everyone will see me as a total failure. Like I really see myself right now.
**Warning – here comes the “poor me” section of the post**
I’m just so damn tired of being fat. I hate it. I hate the achy knees and doughy calves and fat feet and extra links in my necklaces. I hate that I have to drum up the motivation to get up and get busy. I hate feeling like people look at me ordering the Jimmy John’s Unwich (that’s a sandwich as a lettuce wrap, and it’s truly AMAZING) and think, “Oh, look at that huge chick, trying to show everyone that she’s trying to lose weight – well, it’s not working!” I hate snoring and touching thighs and too-tight waistbands. I hate everything about being heavy.
So, if I hate it so much, why can’t I seem to be successful at losing the weight? Is it because I’m SO negative about it? Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. I can see that. Like I said, it’s really hard to convince myself to just get going on things like meal planning and working out. It’s like I can’t make myself do better. Maybe a good descriptor is the scene in “Aladdin” when he’s been tossed in the ocean with his hands tied – he’s struggling against it, and trying as hard as he can, but obviously unable to pull himself away from the heavy weight holding him to the ocean floor. I feel like that’s how I’m struggling right now. Having other people tell me that I can do it just isn’t enough for me. NOT that I want them to stop; I just get so frustrated when people who didn’t have more than 20 lbs to lose, or have NEVER had any weight to lose tell me that I can do anything I put my mind too and all that other business. It’s great that they believe in me, but their life experience tells them that it’s totally possible. MY life experience tells me it’s totally possible to lose 30lbs and then gain it all back and then some. Not exactly a promising experience, eh?
This has been my whole life. My whole life. Good luck finding a picture of me where I’m NOT round-faced and pudgy. Because one doesn’t exist. Sure, there have been some where I’m thinnER, but there aren’t any when I’m skinny. I think what brought all this self-loathing on is that I saw a girl today at work who was probably 50bs or so overweight, and she’s lost ALL of it. She looks amazing. She’s also 23 or so. It just makes me so angry that I’ve lost all these years to being fat. I should have been young and hot on spring break. I should be wearing cute skirts and figure-hugging dresses and shirts. I blew it, totally and completely. And now, when I’m at least attempting to get there, it all kind of feels like a waste – since a big part of the reason I’m trying to lose weight is so we can get a family started.
Sorry for the angst, but I’m just feeling so down on myself and this whole process. I’m just so bummed and frustrated. I don’t know where to go from here, except to whine about it and spend the evening surfing weight loss surgery websites. I can’t even enjoy my angst with ice cream because I know it’s not going to help anything. J