I've never *actually* posted my weight. I've never said it out loud. I don't make eye contact with nurses after they see the results of the scale, raise an eyebrow, and then write that number down.
It's humiliating. It's not humbling - it's horrifying. There truly aren't enough words to describe how embarrassed I am about my weight and how little I value myself because I can't see myself as anything but Jabba the Hut. No one wants to be Jabba. He's yucky, and bad, and no one likes him. Only slightly worse would be to think of myself as Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs. Yuck. I like myself more than that! But only just barely.
Before I got pregnant with Lillian, I was so proud of myself. I'd managed to lose about 50lbs. FIFTY!! I was looking so much healthier and felt amazing, despite the fact that I still had so much to lose. It was an amazing "stepping stone" of sorts.
Six weeks after Lil was born, I was seven pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. Kick ass, team.
Then, somehow, I was 20lbs from it. Was it my horrible Reese's Pieces habit? The fact that I didn't work out? The sheer quantity of food like oatmeal and almonds and protein I was eating to try and force my body to make enough milk to sustain this little life? The lack of sleep and postpartum depression?
Yeah, probably all of it.
I've been stuck where I am for 8 months. Eight long, frustrating, enfuriating months. I'm beyond plateau. I'm stuck in the mud and feel like my wheels are spinning out of control and I can't get them to really move.
It's sort of like that with just about everything. Work, social life, weight loss. Some days, it feels like the only thing I'm decent at is knowing that they made my mocha with skim instead of soy. Oh, and keeping Lil alive. We're pretty good at that.
The point is, I feel like being dead honest with myself is what needs to happen.
So, without further ado, the honesty.
Here are some things you're good at:
* having a positive attitude
* loving your little family, even when Lil won't go to sleep
* encouraging others
* caring about people who don't deserve it
* self motivation
* laughing through crappy stuff
Here are some things you kinda suck at:
* getting off your butt and just doing things
* self motivation
* being proud of who you are (despite your flaws)
* forgiving yourself for having flaws
* listening to that little voice - who's almost always right, you know
* doing what you know needs doing
In my HS, we had to take a class on self esteem or something, and there was a little saying we had to repeat at the end of class: I am a valuable person. I have dignity and worth. What I do makes a difference. We would often follow that up with "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me" (see also: SNL's Stuart Smalley). There's truth in all that cheesiness though.
I AM a valuable person.
I DO have dignity and worth.
What I do DOES make a difference.
"I'm good enough. I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me."
It's time to remember that. Remember my self worth and give myself enough credit to strap on my cowboy boots and get it done. I know I've got the ability - I've done it before! It's just a matter of reminding myself every day that I'm worth it and CAN do anything I set my mind to.