La musica!

Take heed, I'm a lyrical poet.

Not really - I'm a terrible writer, actually. But, I AM a big fan of music. So much so, that I really think it's a huge part of workout success. When I'm listening to a song and I really get into it, the 3.5-ish minutes it takes to finish can be such an awesome distraction. One might even say they help to distract from the fact that your leg seems to have stopped working and you're breathing like a rhinoceros running the mile.

I'm constantly downloading songs. My husband thanks you, combined efforts of Soundhound and Amazon MP3, for bankrupting us $.99 at a time. Ha. When I hear a great song, I have to have it. My library is crazy varied. Electronica, country, rock, hip-hop, even some Country and Western ("Rhinestone Cowboy," you know I'm lookin at you). It's all in there.

And playlists. Ohhhhh, the playlists. I have one for everything. I think it's a leftover side effect from our days of CD burning. And I love it.

The playlist that is applicable to this thread is great. I call it "WORK IT." It's full of upbeat-tempo songs to help power me through the sweat sessions.

I decided today that one of the absolute best tunes out there for working out is "Kick Ass (We are Young)" from the Kick Ass soundtrack by Mika. It has plateaus and really upbeat sections. It's perfect for interval training. Fast walk during the slower parts, sprint during the faster. It's infectious and really gets my chubby buns moving. I love it.

I guess all these words to say "download it." You can thank me later.

xo

Well. That's disappointing.

I've never *actually* posted my weight. I've never said it out loud. I don't make eye contact with nurses after they see the results of the scale, raise an eyebrow, and then write that number down.

It's humiliating. It's not humbling - it's horrifying. There truly aren't enough words to describe how embarrassed I am about my weight and how little I value myself because I can't see myself as anything but Jabba the Hut. No one wants to be Jabba. He's yucky, and bad, and no one likes him. Only slightly worse would be to think of myself as Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs. Yuck. I like myself more than that! But only just barely.

Before I got pregnant with Lillian, I was so proud of myself. I'd managed to lose about 50lbs. FIFTY!! I was looking so much healthier and felt amazing, despite the fact that I still had so much to lose. It was an amazing "stepping stone" of sorts.

Six weeks after Lil was born, I was seven pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. Kick ass, team.

Then, somehow, I was 20lbs from it. Was it my horrible Reese's Pieces habit? The fact that I didn't work out? The sheer quantity of food like oatmeal and almonds and protein I was eating to try and force my body to make enough milk to sustain this little life? The lack of sleep and postpartum depression?

Yeah, probably all of it.

I've been stuck where I am for 8 months. Eight long, frustrating, enfuriating months. I'm beyond plateau. I'm stuck in the mud and feel like my wheels are spinning out of control and I can't get them to really move.

It's sort of like that with just about everything. Work, social life, weight loss. Some days, it feels like the only thing I'm decent at is knowing that they made my mocha with skim instead of soy. Oh, and keeping Lil alive. We're pretty good at that.

The point is, I feel like being dead honest with myself is what needs to happen.

So, without further ado, the honesty.

Self:

Here are some things you're good at:
* having a positive attitude
* loving your little family, even when Lil won't go to sleep
* encouraging others
* caring about people who don't deserve it
* self motivation
* procrastinating
* laughing through crappy stuff

Here are some things you kinda suck at:
* getting off your butt and just doing things
* self motivation
* being proud of who you are (despite your flaws)
* forgiving yourself for having flaws
* listening to that little voice - who's almost always right, you know
* doing what you know needs doing

In my HS, we had to take a class on self esteem or something, and there was a little saying we had to repeat at the end of class: I am a valuable person. I have dignity and worth. What I do makes a difference. We would often follow that up with "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me" (see also: SNL's Stuart Smalley). There's truth in all that cheesiness though.

I AM a valuable person.
I DO have dignity and worth.
What I do DOES make a difference.

And, seriously.

"I'm good enough. I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me."

It's time to remember that. Remember my self worth and give myself enough credit to strap on my cowboy boots and get it done. I know I've got the ability - I've done it before! It's just a matter of reminding myself every day that I'm worth it and CAN do anything I set my mind to.

Challenge accepted.

My workplace has put out a new program. A "Biggest Loser" of sorts. Obviously not called that because who wants to bother with copyright issues, amiright?

Anyway. Top prize to the person (individual) who loses the biggest %? $500. Five hundred clams.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, workplace. Challenge accepted.

I'm gonna rock this thing.

The only thing I moderately worry about is my milk production. The last time I tried to lose weight, it tanked. I mean, BAD. Like, still haven't recovered two months later. But the fact of the matter is that Lil is already getting 1/2 formula at daycare because I can't produce enough. So, if we're reduced to morning/evening and comfort nursing, I guess that's what's going to happen. Ironic that, in order to give her a more positive and healthy parental role model, I'm risking losing what's probably kept her this healthy - breast milk. It's a bummer, but I want her to look at her mom and see a healthy woman and get healthy eating habits from us.

I also can't wait to force Mr. P to participate. Ha.

There are so many things coming up that I need to get in shape for too - another trip to Europe this fall, 1-year pics with Lil, having another baby sometime before I get too old...

I mean, I'm 31. Time's a runnin' out to get in shape while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.

So, cheer me on, kids! That $500 would come in damn handy in Europe. :)

Here; where I've never been before.

I've discovered that I have gotten to this really strange place that I don't think I've been before. I'm completely out of control. It's like I can't say no, no matter how much I know what I'm doing goes against my goals.

Frankly, it's bizarre.

I find myself trying to figure out how to tell myself to say no, but can't.

Here's an example. Caribou. I love their coffee, I love their bakery goods. My weaknesses are the Campfire Mocha and the apple fritter. So. Flippin. Good. So good. BUT, together, they're 1000-ish calories. Yeah, no. Not good.

I was going to Caribou every morning for a couple of weeks. I would order my Campfire (medium, soy, with dark and milk chocolate - in case you wanted to get me one...) and tell myself no fritter. And then would order the frickin fritter. It's like someone else just took over my damn mouth!!

I've never had this kind of terrible, dysfunctional relationship with food before. I've always been able to say no if I wished. That's just something I find I can't really so anymore.

I'm trying to figure out how to fix it. For now, it's just the avoidance of that which tempts me. Caribou free for now. Sad. I hope I'll be able to figure out how to look temptation in the eye and say no again. Soon would be good. I miss my mini-marshmalows...

Well. Hello, Jell-o!!!

Mostly, that's me talking to my post-baby gut. :) But also to anyone who may still be reading the 'ol blog.

Quick set of stats to catch my reader up. Baby was born on 10.10. Go, team! I gained about 30lbs during my pregnancy. I walked out the door of the hospital at least 7lbs lighter. :) At my 6-week postpartum visit, I was 7lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Holla! NOW, I'm 5 months down and somehow almost 20lbs up. W.T.F.

My seester and I agreed that I have 6 months after having Lil to lose the baby weight before I'm a Big Fat Fatty. Shit. I have 30 days to lose 20lbs.

We have a challenge, folks.

Before you get all bent out of shape, I'm joking. Only because I'm breastfeeding and I need those calories, baby! BUT, I've decided that I need to be down to my pre-pregnancy weight by the time Lil is 9 months. It took 9 to put the lbs on; I should get 9 to kick' em off.

As my least favorite character in my least favorite Batman movie said, "let the games begin." And I hope you read that in Bane's obnoxious voice. I know I typed it that way...

When it rains, it pours!

TWO posts in two one day!!!

It's your lucky day, man.

Just a quick little thing.  I found a new blog today that I really kind of love.  It's interesting and fantastic, and I hope you'll like it as much as I do.

http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/

Girl lost 135 lbs.  And looks DAMN good.  Read on, readers!

Welcome back, not Cotter!

Oh, man.  It's been a while, huh?  Yeah, I know.  Shame and all that.  :)

I feel like I should do some full disclosure.  I have two posts that are sitting in "Draft" status.  Just two.  It's only been two-and-a-half months since my last post.  Or has it been three?  Either way, I've been sitting on a couple and watching as the top websites I visited filled up with everything but Blogger.  As a matter of fact, I don't even think Blogger IS one of the 8 or 10 top websites I frequent.  They even changed the Blogger format.  Yikes.  Still gotta figure that one out.

Since I plan on being a better blogger for a while here, I'll need to learn to navigate that puppy.  Again.  Soon.

So, maybe you're saying, "Since Blogger is no longer in your Top 8 or 10, what is?"  Well, my friends, it's a little website called Babycenter.com.  YUP.  Mr. Peavs and I are breeding.  WATCH OUT, WORLD!  :)  Come October, there's going to be a real, adorable new reason to get my skinny on.  Lots and lots and lots of  not sleeping and working out to get all skinny and yummy.

I'm going to do my best to keep this blog all about the whole weight loss thing and not much about the whole preggers thing.  Granted, for a while, it'll be a combination of the two of them, but I'm not going to talk about breastfeeding and labor except in how many calories they burn.  (both of which still SERIOUSLY gross me out, btw...)

For now, we'll stop there.  There will be some more fun posts about how awesome it is working out and eating now and what's coming next.

Stay tuned!